DEAR BRITNEY..........

Dear Britney,

Over the last few years you have come under severe scrutiny regarding your wardrobe (amongst other things), and I am putting my hand up to assist you on the road to recovery.

Now, your a multi-millionaire, so you really have no excuse, having money is important, because clothes can be expensive.....even the FREE ones. Another thing that comes to my attention is your DIY styling, which is where you go very wrong, you need to stop this NOW! Also, you obviously and unknowingly surround yourself with dishonest people who think it's ok for you to go to Starbucks looking like a cross between Anna Piaggi, a Sunset Blvd Hooker, and a seven year old.

Quite simply, they're laughing behind your back, like the rest of the world!!

I understand that the VPL is ghastly, but a delicate thong would suffice for now. La Perla would be more then happy to equip you with the basics. No-one wants to see what you had for breakfast......especially when it's served raw!!!

I have selected a few looks from Australian Fashion Week 2007 for your perusal, and I hope you agree with my selection. Because after all Ms Spears, despite what people say, you do have some talent, (as apposed to all those other industry scraggs) and it would be a shame to accompany those talents with the 'needs-a-good-scrub' look you got going now!!

Have some self-respect. No-one likes a Star who stinks, especially when it comes to Fashion.

MAY I TAKE YOUR COAT SIR?

Although I have'nt had the pleasure of indulging as yet, (and I will), I am happy to annouce the arrival of a speciality store for us blokes. THE CLOAKROOM which is located in the old NAB Building delivers tailored, masculine clothing under the label 'PISTOLS at DAWN'.

The Collection will win over the toughest critic, and never fade from fashion's harsh focus. A trend for all seasons, and a long overdue one at that.

Welcome Boys, now prepare for the onslaught!

THE CLOAKROOM

Suite 220, Level 2

180 Queen Street,

Brisbane

(07) 3210 1515

http://www.thecloakroom.blogpsot.com.au/

BODY LANGUAGE.

Here are some of my favourite looks from 2007. Now alot of us, won't be able to wear them (I am tirelessly trying), and alot of us won't be able to afford them, but with some excercise and slight improvisation, the fashion world is our oyster.

And if you can't get overseas to experiment, then at least we have BLONDE VENUS!

STYLE TO BOOT!

Bianca Thies is one of my favourite 'girls about town' and as mentioned in my Most Stylish Locals for 2007, she's also one of the best dressed.

So of course I just have to mention her wonderful skills as a Stylist. With a website coming soon, La Thies is available for Photographic Styling, which has to be seen to be believed!

Some of her work can been seen at http://www.karissa.com.au/ and believe me, it's impressive!

Although I adore Ms Bianca, the ever-lovely Elizabeth Clarke is always close to my heart as well.

HOT ROD!

With Christmas comes invitations, and as most of us will be attending Parties, BBQ's and Soiree's food usually takes centre stage, so once 2008 kicks in, we'll all be wanting to loose those egg-nog thighs or the mince pie upper arms that alot of us aquire............it's best to do it with a professional.

ROD WILLIAMS is a Personal Trainer who's own Natural Physique is testament enough, (NO chicken legs here). He is trained in traditional chinese medicine, and his acupressure and deep tissue massage is the answer to your weary, aching body questions.

So my advice is, include Mr Williams in your New Years Resolutions, book some Personal Training Sesssions and you'll never look back.

Rod Williams

Ba HSc (Acu)

0401 583 077

rod.bodyworx@gmail.com

NOW DROP AND GIVE ME TWENTY!!

THE HAIR APPARENT.

Brisbane is currently suffering one of the worst illnesses prone to men in years.

Quite simply this illness is 'EAR, NOSE & EYEBROW NEGLECT'.

What's with this? How can men possibly live with that fact that Don King's hair has packed it's bags and rented space in their earlobes and nostrils is beyond me. Not to mention the thousands of Bart Cummings look-a-likes running around town.

I am intelligent enough to understand that hair has always been in these places and over time, with the help of hormones it 'matures', and I also understand that obviously it is there for a reason, being to protect you from dirt, it acts as a barrier, the way eye lashes protect your eyes and so on.

But gentleman please, this is no excuse to be untidy. Trimmers can be purchased everywhere and with a little upkeep, your Nose, Ears and Eyebrows will be a lovely accessory for your HUGO BOSS suit.

Because, like cigarettes, overgrown hair protruding from facial regions instantly kills a look. Not to mention the fact is also ages you dramatically. The only thing worse then a 40+ year old man with a garden of thorns coming at you, is a 20+ year old man with same problem. And ladies, for all of you ignoring this problem (with the man in your life), you need to step up to the plate and take charge, because it's something you MUST do, just the same way men need to question your cracked heels.....it all comes down to respecting yourself.

Start MANSCAPING now!

NOTE: Men over 70! Your excused. You've suffered enough!

A PERFECT COUPLE!

It was nice to see Supermodel turned Designer GAIL ELLIOT in town during the week, with her screenwriter husband JOE COFFEY. Here to officially open her 'Little Joe by Gail Elliot' store on James Street, this aesthetically divine looking couple wowed the crowd with their genuinely cool attitudes and friendly dispositions.

It's nice to see that beautiful people have brains too, not to mention sincerity, politeness and a positive outlook about our lovely city.

Talk about The Complete Package!!

A BALANCED LIFE.

Moving into a new house, or just redecorating an old one, then to help you create positive surroundings, you don't need gorgeous fabrics, you need a FENG SHUI CONSULTANT

Redirect your life through your home. FENG SHUI is the study of forms and shapes within your enviroment, bringing a unqiue balance of existence and harmony to yourself and where you live.

Brigita Tezak is an expert in FENG SHUI, and a divine human being!

GOING, GOING, GONE!!

I am astounded by the number of young children still aloud to walk the street in Brisbane and in the suburbs without adult supervision!

With so much heartache going on in the world involving children, I cannot understand why parents/guardians allow their children to wander alone.

I understand that some people do not have the support network to attend to children after school etc, and I understand that after-school care costs are expensive, but please, make sure you know where your child is, and more importantly, know that an adult they are familiar with is with them.

This year we have seen children neglected, abducted, assaulted and even murdered, and usually because of an adult. To stop this, is starts with the parent.

There are so many childless couples in Brisbane and Australia who would give anything to become a parent. Homosexual couples are deemed un-natural and unfit to raise a child, but given the chance, so many of these abused children would have incredibly happy, safe lives, even if it is with two Dads or two Mums. Having a child is one of the most incredible things you can experience, and for those who may never get to parent a child, seeing such awful things happen to them, add to the heartbreak of being childless, especially when they could provide the most perfect life imaginable.

The parents who raise their children with security and safety in mind know who they are, but alot of parents need extra guidance when it comes to their child's proctection. If your child runs away from you, you run after them, it's a simple as that. And leaving a child in a car, whether the air conditioning is on or your just going to be 2 minutes is such a poor excuse. Because what it comes down to, is quite simply, complete and utter selfishness!!

So next time you let your son or daughter wander away from you, or even if they take a little more time to arrive home from school, you need to stop for a minute and think, because in that time, they could disappear, forever!

Respect Your Child!

THINK PINK!!

Whether your sweating on the beach or while dancing to Kylie's 'Like a Drug' or 'The One', think cool thoughts by dreaming of this MARTIN GRANT hot pink gown.

(This is in response to an email I received from a lovely lady in Toowoomba searching for a Hot Pink Gown to wear to a Breast Cancer Awarness Dinner next year. Money was no object, but she stated she no longer travelled down the Alex Perry road).

Too cute for words, and such a Queensland colour!!

NOURISHMENT.

Two new albums to look out for and add to your Christmas list are, ANGIE STONE'S 'The Art of Love & War' and JILL SCOTT'S 'The Real Thing, Words & Sounds Vol.3'.

As usual, both are under-appreciated artists who make albums that are, quite simply, brilliant.
They may not be your cup of tea, but give the ladies a chance, and soon you'll be drinking it all up!

Sublime.

THE BULL OF THE BALL!

For all you Men out there heading to formal occasions over the next few months, take a leaf out of Viggo Mortensen's eloquent 'EASTERN PROMISES' book.
This, my friends, is how you dress for Black Tie. The humble black bow tie can replaced by anything just as suave. We may be in Queensland, but formal occasions call for something more then a hired suit and pair of Aquila's!

There's nothing worse then seeing a divine looking women, who's gone to all the effort for a special night out, arriving with ZIGGY as her plus one!

And although the tie Mr Mortensen is wearing is ruby in colour, black tie means BLACK TIE. For inspiration, go see the movie for truly one of the year's BEST Male Wardrobes.

Copy It, Fake It, Just Fucking Do It!!

FAVOURITE THINGS. NOVEMBER 2007.

Although November is not yet over, I already have some Favourite Things. But unlike October's list, there are only 10 this month. Read and Weep!

10. 'LAGERFELD CONFIDENTIAL'. A documentry about the Kaiser himself. Mr Lagerfeld not only gave his co-operation, he gave his full approval! If you love Fashion, you'll love this. If you have'nt been fortunate to see it overseas, head to YouTube for the Trailer.

9. SMALL PLYWOOD 'PEARTREE'. Sick of FAKE Christmas Tree's? Then KOVA is your answer. Currently stocking the VENUCCI range of Christmas Tree's, these quaint almost ornamental tree's are perfect for people who want something different, and yes, they are made of wood. So really, when you think about it, your only missing the leaves!!! Ornaments optional, but necessary! http://www.venucci.com/

8. SHO U RESTAURANT. This Japanese Restaurant situated in the Clarke Quay District of Singapore is both awesome design-wise, as it is in the culinary stakes. When you're done downing your 'River Eel' you can head to MINISTRY OF SOUND to work it off!

7. 'CRAZY LOVE'. Another Documentry with no Chanel suit in sight. This Obsessive Love Story has to be seen and heard to be believed! Coming Soon to Palace.

6. 'GATOR SE' ALARM CLOCK. A clock named after Skateboarder MARK 'GATOR' ROGOWSKI, designed by the guys from FURNI CREATIONS. Not that expensive and it's practical. http://www.furnicreations.com/

5. 'THE ART EDITION' by JEFF KOONS. An in-depth exploration of the artist's 20 years worth of work. Get in fast, this book is limited to 100 copies. http://www.taschem.com/

4. AESOP HAIR MASQUE. Although I have no Crowning Glory of my own, someone close to me uses this Toothpaste-esque miracle, and their hair could'nt be shinier or healthier. Go to Aesop and ask for the 'Rose Hair & Moisturising Masque Tube'......... http://www.aesop.net.au/

3. TOM FORD for MEN COLOGNE. Although the ads are a little passe' as apposed to risque' this scent will get the Ladies knocking, or Men for that matter. (The Ad to the right is NOT the one in question). Available at David Jones. http://www.tomford.com/

2. 'RHEA' DRESS by RM (Roland Mouret). Graphically explicit tailoring, by one of the worlds most celebrated designers. Available on net-a-porter from around AUD$2,195.00. It's like looking at great architecture. http://www.net-a-porter.com/

1. THE OUTPOST. The baby sister to big sis BLONDE VENUS just get's better and better. Cool Clothes for Boys & Girls. Rare Magazines. Sweet as Trinkets. And Service always with a Smile.....a rare find indeed. Hello Christmas!!

The Outpost
5A Winn Street,
Fortitude Valley.
(07) 3666 0306

Till December, Hope you have a Great November!

THE ORANGE PEOPLE!!

I know I am not perfect, and maybe because I am aware of this, I can be as explicit in my words as I am with my thoughts.

So Here Goes:

Please, to all those women SELF TANNING themselves out there, "YOU HAVE TO FUCKING STOP"! This addiction is getting out of hand, and it is serious.

I am fed up with being in contact with women who have FAKE TANNED themselves within an inch of their lives. Our hands were not meant to be the colour of baby shit, post weaning, and I don't want to seem rude, but don't get me started on the 40+ women who are trying to turn back time by slapping on the FAKE TAN! It's bad enough you look like Gordon Tallis, but please, if you want to look like a piece of KFC Hot & Spicy, then cranola yourself up and head to Noosa.

So many of you think it is completely acceptable, but it's not. If I wanted to see an Autopsy, I'd subscribe to the Discovery Channel. Alot of you get it very wrong, and I am fed up with it. The only place Streaks, Blotches and Smears are allowed, is in Hospital!

And here's a hint, if your trying to FAKE something, then at least do it well, because under those lights at FAMILY, you all look like Donatella on a bender, and that's just plain nasty!

Most of us like a little colour on our skin, which is fine, but if your gonna FAKE it, then do it the proper way.....with a professsional. And when I say professional, I don't mean your bestie, two minutes before you head out to the Victory. You need it done so it stays on and fades evenly, and you need to listen to the RULES about FAKE TAN UPKEEP, before it becomes PISSTAKE!

You see, if the TAN is'nt respected, when you dance and begin to sweat, all we see is a garden sprinkler, pelting innocent people with liquid the colour of a diabetes speciman......and that my friend, is quite simply, Bad Manners!

For the Best Spray Tan, call SASCHA@BRONZ'D 0413 883 346

ENJOY THE CAR CRASH!

To all those Brisbane drivers talking on the phone or texting while behind the wheel, I want you to think about everyone you love and care for in this world, then think about someone as stupid as YOU slamming into them!

Not a nice thought huh?

BIFFI-UTIFUL!!

BIFFI at Emporium continues to dress Queensland's most influential and stylish women, like it has done for more then 20 years. Once described at 'Casual Chic' by stylist and fashion heavyweight Elizabeth Clarke, BIFFI stocks Rayure (Paris), Blacky Dress (Berlin), Laurel (Germany) and Luisa Gerano (Germany), just to name an elegant few.

Owner and Buyer Kara Holloway is successful in delivering her loyal clientele exactly what they desire every season. "It's like she's buying for her personal wardorbe, then lending it to all her friends". The clothes disappear almost as soon as they arrive.

Kara's personal style is of the highest standard. She is sincere elegance personified, which only compliments her impeccable social etiquette. Having Shirley Holloway as a Mother is a very tough lead to follow, but she does it with incredible aplomb.

Kara would'nt know the meaning of Unkempt!

BIFFI
Shop 36, Emporium
1000 Ann Street, Fortitude Valley
(07) 3216 1122 shop@biffi.com.au

Ciao Bella!

BUILD & DESTROY.

The old RIVOLI THEATRE on the corner of Kent & Brunswick Streets has finally been given a make-over, after a lengthy stint as the Bates Motel. But sadly, it's not going to be the retail precinct we all thought, and hoped it would be.

Instead, an IGA is taking form and will soon open. On discovering this, I needed immediate resusciation, just like years ago, when seven/eleven opened where the California Cafe used to be.....heartbreaking indeed!

Now, don't get me wrong, I like somewhere to go at three in the morning for that post party appertizer, or the first edition of the Sunday papers, but why did it have to go here?

For years we've waited to see what would become of this historic site, and again, we're dissappointed...it won't be long before the IGA resembles WOLF CREEK like it's poor arse cousin down the street.

You should never Judge a Book by it's Cover, but sometimes, you just have to Judge Away!!!

HEY GOOD LOOKIN'.

Attention Brisbane Ladies! Are you at your wits end deciding what to buy the man in your life for Christmas, 2008? Well, look no further.

Hermes has unveiled it's Men's equivalent to the Birkin, only it's bigger, bolder and of course utterly Handsome. The 'Steve' Bag is named after Steve McQueen.

If interested, it will set you back around AUD$11,135. But that's not the dagger in the heart my lovelies.....it's the 12-18 month wait that is!!

Just think about the Jewellery you'll get in return!!

EVERYTHING BUT THE CLOTHES!

Thank you for the email asking me my favourite places to visit in PARIS. In no particular order, they are:

LE PROCOPE, 13 rue de l'Ancienne Comedie. A very old, quaint and wordly cafe.

LE BISTROT du PEINTURE, 116 Avenue Ledru-Rollin, Art Nouveau Design with Exquisite food to match.

PISCINE PONTOISE, 15 rue de Pontoise, A Public Art Deco Swimming Pool.

LE REFECTOIRE, 80 Boulevard Richard Lenoir, 11e, Sophisticated Food and A lovely set Breakfast.

GAYA, 44 rue du Bac, 7e, Simply, a Fish restaurant!

PATRICK SEGUIN, 5 rue des Taillandiers, 11e, Furniture from some of France's most important mid-century architects and designers.

ASSOULINE, 35 rue Bonaparte, 6e, The titles on display in this bookshop are devoted to Art and Design.

L'Appartement 217, 217 rue Saint-Honore', 1e, Ex Manager of Colette, now owns and runs this pristine and wholly organic spa. Dr Hauschka Facial is Awesome!

KUBE, 1-5 passage Ruelle, 18e, Think 'Bed & Bar' as apposed to 'Bed & Breakfast'.

3 ROOMS, 5 rue de Moussy, 4e, Carla Sozzani & Azzedine Alaia collaborated on this Hotel that consists of 3 Apartments ONLY!

Place des Vosges, A truly elegant square in the Marais, where you can sit on the grass, and it's not too far from....

Rue des Francs Bourgeois, 4e, A bustling street filled with Cafes, Shops and Museums.

There are too many Clothes Stores to mention and you won't have a problem finding them. If you head to Montmatre (and you should), locate the Cafe from 'Amelie' and have one of the best caffe cremes...EVER! Although the cute elfin waitress has been replaced by a gaggle of mature aged men with more hair in their ears then on their head, the coffee is worth the trek.

s'amuser!

MADFORZINES!

If like me, you crave a good magazine, search high and low for the above 13 publications. All deal out equally good articles with lovely pictures to gork at!

Some, you may have to order, or if you have a generous friend overseas, get the bastard to send you one!

NOTE: Read with Caution, especially if easily offended! These Covers are the Current Editions.

FOLLOW THE F**KING LEADER!

Note to all the Dudes around town....when a Trend begins to take hold of you, and every bastard around you follows, it's time to take control.

Initiate a Trend. Bask in it. Then Dump it just as fast!

EAT ME AND BE MERRY!

Although Brisbane still has a long way to go in the Culinary stakes, there are some standouts among the mediocre. You may disagree, but hey, when it comes to food, we're all pigs!!

COFFEE:
1. JAMIE'S ESPRESSO. The One & Only.
2. ILLY CAFFE (The Best in the CBD).
3. CAMPOS (Coming in 2008).
4. TWO CUPS. Spring Hill.

BREAKFAST:
1. CIRQUE. Friendly, Quick Service. Chowdown is Awesome.
2. YO MAMA. Great coffee. Cereal at your Disposal.
3. HARVEYS. James Street Icon. Great staff. Child Friendly.
4. ANOUK. Breakfast with Attitude. Enough Said!

LUNCH:
1. ECCO. Loud & Busy.
2. BAR ALTO. One word, Isis! ( Good for Sunday drinkies as well.)
3. THREE BISTRO. Already has a Waiting List. But go for the food, NOT the interior!

DINNER:
1. ISIS. Superb Service. Awesome Food. Romantic.
2. PIAF. Little Sparrow, Little Bistro (Added 25.03.08).
3. URBANE. The City Dwelling. (Sarah D. Presides)
4. MONTRACHET. Viva La France.
5. SONO (Portside). Shoes Optional......kinda!

DRINKS:
1. THE LARK. Far from the Madding Crowd.
2. THE TROUBADOUR. Easy listening, Easier drinking.
3. THE ZOO. Live Music & Mixed Crowd.
4. THE ALIBI ROOM. Get Pissed. Go Back for Breakfast! (Resembles a refugee boat some nights with overcrowding).

All of the above are good quality establishments. Some may not be to your taste, but all of them offer excellent, sincere service as well as food and drink to make you quiver. Talk about Team Chemistry!!!

SAY CHEESE!

Check out Brisbane photographer, Jason Zambelli.
http://www.jasonzambelli.com/

The photo's speak for themselves!!!

"GET PARKED"

As Brisbane grows, so does the demand for Parking Spaces. Smart Developers dig down or build up, and create ample room for our cars, while the not so smart Developers give us nothing. Now maybe by doing this they're considering the enviroment. Maybe they are discreetly convincing us to carpool or use public transport, and that way we create less energy and pollution and help our fragile planet to survive. Sounds practical, not to mention it also allows us to have that extra Vodka Tonic, before we head to the Bus Stop.

James Street is prime example. Over the years this former inner city wasteland has blossomed into a shopping and dining destination. The James Street Markets are second to none, and the Palace Cinema is the best in the country, both attracting hundreds of people a day. But where do we Park?

If you can nab yourself a Park, then great. If you nab one longer then 2 hours, your a legend. But beware, because eyeing you from afar is a Parking Inspector or an angry Business Owner. Parking longer then intended, could spell DISASTER, and that lovely piece of Wagyu you've bought from the Markets, could turn out to be the most expensive piece of meat....EVER!!

Parking Inspectors and Business Owners have to put food on their table like all of us, and I know they have a job to do, but please, I have'nt seen so much Focus & Manouvering since 'Cirque du Soleil'. Somedays it's just hilarious.

People come to James Street to buy. Whether it's flowers, food or frocks, most people will not leave empty handed or with an empty stomach, so why concentrate on the negative while we support local businesses. I understand if someone is utilizing a space that is reserved for another business, and they have no intention of going into that business, is wrong, but really people....there are soldiers being killed in Iraq, kids are being taken from their families and there are women with breast cancer, and all these tragedies are happening while a little man (who looks like Manuel from 'Fawlty Towers' and has the stare of 'Ivan Milat') continues to make people feel guilty for enjoying a morning, afternoon, evening out.


Come on dudes, relax....there is way too much heartache in the world for us to have to cope with this shit, and you never know, the person who's parked in your space could be the person about to do you a favour!!!

Park Away People!!!

HUNTING, GATHERING & DISPLAYING!!!

The purpose of life is to be happy, and no matter what anyone tells you, money brings happiness, and with money, comes nice things.

So if you've achieved the Australian Dream, and your not short of a quid, consider the following purchases. Because after all.............you deserve to be happy.

1. TUFTY BED by Patricia Urquiloa at B&B ITALIA. http://www.bebitalia.it/
2. COSY LAMP by Harri Koskinen. http://www.harrikoskinen.com/
3. PRIMCO TABLE by OHIO DESIGN. http://www.ohiodesign.com/
4. TOKYO DRESSER by Shinichi Utsumi for SUNNIN http://www.sunnin.jp/
5. ARMCHAIR by Marina Bautier http://www.lamaisondemarina.com/

The above websites are full of Incredible Design Pieces. Look & Weep!

PARADISE LOST!!!!

Recently, someone I know, experienced BAD CUSTOMER SERVICE.
The person in question is an Attractive, Polite, Sincere and Approachable Woman, who gives top quality service in her daily work routine, and because of her dedication to her job, people give back the positivity she exudes.

During the week, this aquaintance attempted to purchase a product from a High End Store in the City. She gave instructions to the Sales Assistant that she was on a Budget, but wanted to buy something special for her sister. Honesty is the best policy, especially when your surrounded by staff working on commission and in an enviroment where the product is not something you just pick up and walk out with in a plastic bag.

To this woman's astonishment the Sales Assitant rebuked "you will find nothing here for that amount" and as fast as the words shot out of her mouth, she dissappeared. Now, in this day and age, we as consumers should not have to put up with this crap......it's the whole 'Never Judge a Book By It's Cover' thing followed by the 'What Goes Around Comes Around' thing. Just because you work in a popular store, does'nt guarentee your crown won't slip off, and believe me, when it does, boy it makes a THUD!!!!

This sort of 'Judgement Service' is offered everywhere in this Big Country Town, and as some of us know.......you have to be careful, because you can suffocate from the smoke coming from all those Burning Bridges!!!!

Bad Food & Beverage Staff, Bad Car Park Attendants, Bad Shopgirls.....and Boys constantly inflict their venom on anyone that crosses their paths. I know we all have Bad Days, but hey, while your making my coffee, I'd prefer NOT to have it with a side of PISSED OFF!!!

As I said, we should NEVER JUDGE A BOOK BY IT'S COVER. Millionaires dress down, and dress badly. Just because a Size 12 Woman is wearing a Size 8 Metallicus Dress, does'nt mean she can't tell the difference between a Roger Vivier and a Pierre Hardy Pump!! If we accepted everyone and treated everyone better, then maybe those BAD DAYS would turn GOOD.....it's called MANIFESTATION and you can begin by Smiling........and you never know, with the kind donations from us Big Spenders, you may even make TARGET!!!!

Smile. It Increases Your Face Value!!