BLOKE BUYS!

Your girlfriend/wife/mistress is constantly wearing things you've never seen before, when you question her, she lapses into denial upon denial. You're not as stupid as she thinks, get your own back!

Here are some lovely treats to reward yourself with. Order by the phone, on the internet or over the counter. No excuses!

1. LANVIN Tie Pins. Little Woolen People keeping your Tie Safe and Secure. Quirky, for a picnic. www.lanvin.com

2. COLOMBO TWO Cordless house phone by The Chauhan Brothers. Erotic, for the Den.

3. CAMPER Sandals by Bernard Willhelm. Classy, for poolside. www.camper.com

4. GLA-55 LOUDSPEAKERS by Harman Kardon. Crystal clear sound from ice sculptures. Sexy, for the Stable. www.harmankardon.com

5. BOTTEGA VENETA Slippers. Available in Suede, Croc Leather or Patent. Dreamy, for Nightcap. www.bottegaveneta.com

6. DERRINGER MOTO HYBRID Motorcycle. 400km on 3 litres of petrol. Zappy, for off the beaten track. www.derringercycles.com

7. LOUIS VUITTON Trainers by Kanye West. Enough said. Red Hot, for the walking the walk.

8. DCC ROLLEIFLEX AF 5.0 Camera by Minox. 5 mp digital camera, autofocus lens, 1.1 inch monitor. Non-discreet, for the Bedroom. www.minox.com

9. TOM FORD Anything. Who cares what you buy, just fucking buy it! Untouchable, for the Races. www.tomford.com

So there you go. Although they may be harder to hide under the bed or in the cupboard, at least you have something of your very own.